thoughtsofafatgirl

One year journey

My mother called


It was pitch black with no moon or stars to light my way. I was sitting in my father’s house on the couch. I knew I shouldn’t be there, I knew something wasnt right. I couldn’t make myself get up to look around for anyone else. I wouldn’t allow myself to call out for anyone from fear of who might call back. I saw a flash of light from outside, I saw my father.  What was he doing? Why was he digging a hole under one of the old plum trees that line the middle of the yard? The medal of the shovel is what got my attention it was so shiny, it must be new. I watched him dig the hole curious to see what would come of it. After about five minutes he dropped the shovel and walked a couple of steps and picked up two small bodies and threw them in the grave. I woke up, what the fuck!!! These nightmares are getting worse, I don’t think my body is able to tell the difference anymore between real life and dreams. My body ached the whole day from the fear I felt. I didn’t go to work that day , I didn’t do anything that day. I have to talk to my mom sort thru my past get things strait so I can go on with my life. I was headed to the room to get my phone when I heard it ring. My mom, how did I know. She said my father wants to talk to my brother, sister and I. He wanted to apologize for everything and have something to do with us again. I told her I was willing to sit down and talk things out. I don’t think my brother will be as willing as I am but we shall see. We are going to get together this sunday at his house. I’m just going to make sure we are out of there before night fall. I wonder if dreams still mean anything or are they just thoughts and interpretations of past events. I wonder if my dream was a warning?

June 28, 2011 Posted by | Still life | , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Art Works for Change


As a whole humanity has come so far with most social issues. Most are free to walk where they want when they want to. They are free to vote and own land and earn more than their husbands in the workforce. That being said we still have such a long journey ahead. There is this charity that I love called Art Works for Change they  produce contemporary art exhibitions to address social and environmental issues such as social justice, human rights, gender equity, and environmental sustainability. It uses the transformative power of art as a vehicle to promote dialogue and awareness; inspire action and thought; and address systems for social change. There are different organizations to support all with a different cause. You can tour the exhibits online and learn how to help. Right now you can view one exhibition called OFF THE BEATEN PATH: violence,woman and art. The whole site is absolutely gorgeous and has so much life changing information. I hope you take the time to look for yourself.

http://www.artworksforchange.org/default.htm 

June 23, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Everyone has super powers


Almost every morning I go to my favorite local coffee shop to relax. I drink my chilled coffee and read my newspaper, the old-fashioned print newspaper. If your younger than 25 I doubt you even know what a newspaper is, internet news gotta love it!  Oh well back to my story, I’m sitting there enjoying my time alone when I hear sniffling behind me. I glance back to see a woman in her 40’s with her head tilted wiping her eyes. I felt sorry for her but did nothing, I mean what am I suppose to do. I do not know her or the situation. So I go back to my reading only to be interrupted by louder sobbing this time she caught my attention as well as a few others. I did not know if it would be welcome or not but I crossed the boundaries and put my hand on her shoulder and asked if she were ok. She apologized at least 10 times for interrupting all of us. (At this time there were about five people watching us. I asked if there is anything I can do or do I need to call anyone. She then went on and told me how she has no job and she is at the end of her rope she just doesn’t know what to do. How she has not talked to her family in years because of her controlling husband and if only she had enough money to get to Arkansas where her family lives. I asked her again if there is anyone I can call. She started crying harder and said she has nobody. I was so sad for her, I asked her “how much will it take to get to Arkansas?” She said 200 should do it but all she has to her name is 20. So I pulled out my wallet and all I had was 75. I gave her that but then the man beside me came up to the table and put down twenty. Another couple came up and gave 40. And another, she ended up with 220 dollars. She gave everyone a hug and was ecstatic she started crying more. All she could say was thank you, thank you all. God bless you all. I felt like I really done good I felt so satisfied inside. I think all of us did we all had these warm smiles on our face as we watched her leave. One lady said to me I am so glad she found a way to get home. I hope she makes it all the way said another. We watched her cross the parking lot and I still had that warm felling. We all were watching as we saw her get into her brand new LEXUS and drive away. I’m not saying she didn’t need help it’s just a little more sour than sweet as I got into my 10-year-old Saturn and went home. 🙂

 

June 22, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | | Leave a comment

Go jump off a cliff oh and happy fathers day.


Beat me down, one more time. With every blow, every word I find excitement and life.  With pain comes a welcome entity that envelopes
me. Looking out a window into your soul in otherwise empty eyes. Nothing stops the hurt or the pain but still I’m to week not to cry. I sit alone wondering trying to understand what would make you not be the miserable shell of a man you are. I always held my head down trying to get lost in the crowd.  With diamonds in my eyes I wanted to know what I done wrong.  I still do. My heart stopped beating the night I realized I meant nothing to you. Shallow breathes were all I could manage my lungs refused to take in air. I felt like such a fool vying for your love and you just didn’t  give a damn about us. I sat alone. I was constantly thinking and walking on egg shells trying not to awaken the beast inside you.

All I needed was a father. You have ruined me, turned me into ruins of a once great city. Even when I’m happy your misery stalks me it
creeps into my thoughts and dreams.  I start to be great and just the mere thought of you brings everything crumbling down. Everything reminds me. Did you know I don’t have a single good memory of you? But then again I have blocked out most of them just to cope with life.  What am I going to do I have lost my way? You touch my world every day. I feel I’m losing control. I live broken trying to forget you and all your sorrow. What do I have to do to move on? I’m not yours anymore and I do not love you.

Sometimes I want to take a better look at the man who use to stand before me. I still think I have a chance. A chance for you to love me
a chance to be a family. Then I wake up and remember who you really are. You have to let me go. My memories do not allow me to forget. Where are you? Everything reminds me.

June 20, 2011 Posted by | Still life | | Leave a comment

My week in calories


This week has been great!! I have lost 12 pounds this week, that’s a total of 23 in three weeks.

Monday 13th – 1200 calories

Tuesday 14th – 1355 cal.

Wednesday  15th – 1805 ( i went to Olive Garden) first time i ate at a restaraunt in three weeks, so not bad)

Thurs. 16th – 1015 cal.

Friday 17th – 1250 cal.

Saturday 18th – 200 cal.  (Yes, 200! I had a migraine and did not want to eat anything) It lasted all day!! Aweful!

Sunday 19th – 1500 cal. I made up for sat. 🙂

Every day except saturday I walked 30 min.

 

 

June 20, 2011 Posted by | weight loss | | Leave a comment

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours


Crazy? What a word! I can’t even remember all the times I have been called crazy in my life. I see myself as the cute, crazy, quirky kind of nuts. I guess it helps me cope with my craziness!! What kind of crazy are you? I stumbled across a website that helps you define your kind of crazy. http://psychcentral.com/   This isn’t one of those kid ones that you post on Facebook. I think it’s pretty accurate, but hey what do I know, I’m loony!   I might as well share what the quizzes say about me.  I’m a narcissist…. What?? No way!!!  I have said it before and I will say it again, I have two e-mails, twitter, blog, MySpace, Facebook and others I just can’t think of right now. I have all these accounts to simply tell people “I’m so bored” or “today’s laundry day…ugggh” These are my two latest posts. So, the narcissist thing is a no brainer.  (At the end of this post I have the true story of Narcissus; it’s very interesting just off the point).  I have no other disorder that truly stands out. I’m a little borderline but not very bad and I have a little anxiety disorder but that’s not all that fun to talk about. So, enjoy the quizzes and I hope it leads you to better mental health or at least a laugh. 😉   *** By the way, I think America uses the word narcissist way too much!!!***

Story of Narcissus

Once upon a time, there was a boy called Narcissus. He was the son of a god and he was very, very handsome. Many women fell in love with him, but he turned them away. One of the women who loved Narcissus was a nymph called Echo. Echo could not speak properly – she could only repeat what was said to her, so she couldn’t tell Narcissus that she loved him. One day, when Narcissus was walking in the woods with some friends, he became separated from them. He called out “Is anyone here?” Echo replied “Here, Here”. Echo stepped forward with open arms, wanting to cuddle him. But Narcissus refused to accept Echo’s love. Echo was so upset that she left and hid in a cave, until nothing was left of her, except her voice. The Maiden, a goddess, found out about this, and she was very angry. She made Narcissus fall in love with himself. When Narcissus looked
at his reflection in a pond one day, he looked at his reflection and said I love and Echo replied I love you but Narcissus honestly thought his reflection said I love you. He stayed on that spot forever, until he died.

Story of Echo

Hera, the Queen of Mt. Olympus, cast a spell over her servant Echo for talking too much. As a punishment, Echo could only repeat what someone else said. Once Narcissus was dead she pinned for him aimlessly wandering around looking for her love. All that was left of her was her voice that can still be heard today in certain hollow places, senselessly repeating the words of others.

 

June 9, 2011 Posted by | Still life, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Have you ever danced in paint?


I am on cloud 9 right now. I am starting to feel like myself again. I am continuing to lose weight, my job is going great, I am back in school.

It’s sad how I let life beat me up so much that I slowly stopped dreaming about my future. I stopped pushing myself to be better and thought happiness was only in fairy tales. I use to paint and write. I loved to paint, I remembered I would run out of canvases and paint on anything that was around. I also remember how much I really did love to write. I would start creating these wonderful stories and watch them come to life right in front of me. It is sad I let my passions fade away. It’s also crazy that a little blog about my journey would start awakening my true inner person. I wake up and go to sleep with inspiration on my mind. Sorry I have been writing less but I have been so busy trying to catch up to my brain! I will start posting a lot more once I get caught up. Thanks for listening, love always, Crystal

June 8, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I have decided


 

 

I was in school to be a teacher and It is all I have ever wanted to do. I never should have allowed myself not to go back. I decided to finish and probably teach abroad. Maybe some missionary work in Peru, It’s something I have always wanted to do. Maybe teaching english in another country.. Who knows, I’m inspired.

June 7, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Follow the leader


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June 6, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh why can’t I?


I’m 30 years old and have finally decided to finish my last year of school. It’s about time, right? There is only one problem; I no longer want to teach in education. To be a teacher is something, well, really the only thing I have ever wanted to do since I was 8 yrs. old. For some reason the thought of having all of those little kid’s future in my hand was starting to make me so nervous.So, I sat down and thought of what I really wanted to do for the rest of my life; since teaching wasn’t going to be my forte anymore. I could be a child psychologist, I love psychology and I really do want to work with children. I could be a social worker. Even, a writer I have always loved to write and I’m narcissistic 😉 enough to pull off a blog so why not. But I started shooting these ideas down as soon as they came into my head. “Psychology is too hard, who in their right mind would ask for your help” A social worker? Seriously? You couldn’t last. “You’re a mess up that’s scared to finish anything in life and you want to write for a living”?
Then something hit me, why am I so negative when it comes to me? I tell my sister, friends, kids I teach in Sunday school, kids in my daycare anyone in my life that they can be anything they want to be. If They can be anything they want to be, then why can’t I?
When I was a child I wanted to be a country music singer. I wanted to tour the world in cowboy boots and have everyone fall in love with me. It’s the first dream I actually remember having. I was sitting in the living room watching star search (yes, star search…Goggle it) Anyways, this guy came on and he was singing one of my favorite Garth Brooks songs and I started singing quietly with him then I announced to my family in the room that I wanted to be a country singer. “A singer” my dad said with a disgusted look? “What makes you think you’re good enough to be a singer”? Then he made me stand in up in the middle of the room and sing. He critiqued every note and how I looked. Telling me that I didn’t have the voice or the looks that anyone wanted to pay to see. He downed me on everything I ever wanted to do or everything I ever tried to do. He made me feel stupid and it hindered me from doing everything I ever really wanted to do in life. As you can tell in my other blog’s I’m big on not blaming other people for your short comings. That applies for this story also; I gave him the power to tear me down. Only you can allow yourself to become fragile and insecure.
My point of this story is a simple one. Cherish the ones in your life; especially if they are children. I don’t care if your child looks like the hunch back of Notre Dame, if they want to be a super model it’s your job to get Tyra Banks on the phone. That’s the point, it’s a dream it molds who they will become. No man should ever take that away from someone. Never abuse your power.

June 3, 2011 Posted by | Still life, Uncategorized | | 3 Comments

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