thoughtsofafatgirl

One year journey

Two things I never thought I would do, talk to my dad and go to jail


Flashback to a year ago in March. The grant for my school is in. Yeah!! I paid for my classes and books and have a bit left over. What to do, what to do. I was looking on E-Bay and saw these gorgeous pair of sunglasses for only $50.00, hell yeah!! I love them and their designer. ( Yes, I’m sure they are fake but I want them, plus the real ones are like a grand.) So I go into my wallet to pull out my green dot card because I don’t want to get my personal info. stolen. Only I can’t find my card….crap!!! I want these sunglasses NOW!! I guess it won’t hurt to use my school credit card, I mean what are the chances…..  Later that night I go to Wal-mart and since I left my card beside my computer I write a check for $80.00 it’s all tied to the same account anyways then I went to Nike outlet to get some shoes, another $80.00.  A week later I find out whomever I gave my card info to on E-bay went on a little shopping frenzy. WTH. It took two weeks for E-Bay to credit me all my money and everything was back to normal. Well kinda..the checks are still unpaid by me or the bank. I remember thinking I will pay them on my next check then I moved and thought well once I get caught up. Then there was that one time I was going to pay them and my sister needed the money. I’m sure you get the picture. Plus, I had my real bank account I used so they weren’t always on my mind.   Now..  Fast forward to Tuesday of this week. Damn, I’m going to be late for a very important meeting. It won’t hurt if I go a little faster than I should there are never cops around here anyways. I was going 75 no longer than 5 min. when the siren went off and the lights started to flash. Crap I have never had a ticket before!! So much for a perfect record. Well, let’s get this thing over with, I have a busy day. The damn female cop walks up to my window. Licence and…….. you know. Then she brings up the checks.. that apparently have turned into warrants which I did not know checks could do that. So I begin to explain thinking it was no big deal when she asked me to step out of the car. WHAT??? Are you serious. Yes, It was irresponsible of me not to pay them by now but jail. I didn’t mean to be a criminal It just happened. 🙂 She didn’t care to hear my explination she was taken me to jail, JAIL. I walked in the side door in handcuffs. I have a mug shot now and fingerprinted. I was in a holding cell and would stay there until I saw the judge in the morning. I did not cry until they placed a guy that was mentally insane in the cell beside mine. He was buck naked and on suicide watch. I could not see him but I could hear him. He was singing Sail by awolnation. I was thinking that is really an underground group I wonder how he knows about them. (The next day after I was bailed out and leaving I had to walk beside his cell: 7 ft: 400+ pounds: African-American: and naked.. go figure. Back to the day before. So I am in my cell and finally get a phone call. I would call my boyfriend and I should have but I didn’t want him to know where I was. I mean we really are not the jail type of people. I could call my bestfriend..no, she’s still in Vegas on vacation. I could call my brother but he works overnight and sleeps during the day and never EVER hears the phone ring. Oh, well I will try maybe he will be awake. Nothing just voicemail. Ge’ez, I guess I will try later. Then the guard informed me there is no later, either get ahold of someone now or wait for them to find me. They would never in a million years think to call a jail. They would put out missing flyers put my pic. on a milk carton. Weeks later assume I was dead bury an empty coffin and hold candle light visuals at it once a year. BUT NEVER assume I was in jail. So, I had no choice I had to call *******DUM****DA******DUM  MY FATHER!! Freak O’la SEriously? My dad!! I wonder if Obama would answer. The guard interrupts my daydream to tell me to hurry up. suddenly my fingers weigh ten pounds as I dial the number. He’s not going to pick up I know he’s… Hello? Dad? Hey, It’s me Crystal. I need your help. I start to cry so bad at this point he can’t understand a word I say. It was in part because I’m in jail but mostly because I haven’t talked to him in so very long and this is our first conversation? I expected him to laugh at me and tell me that’s what I get for shutting him out of my life and then hang up. But he didn’t. He told me be strong, and he will get me out. and how sorry he is that he has wanted to apologize for everything for so long now and leave it to fate to throw us together like this. I found out later that day that I could not be bailed out until I see a judge and that would be morning. So, I went back to my little cell I shared with a very nice crack head that didn’t mind the sobs. She gave me some very accurate legal advice and I gave her my diner because I’m in no mood to eat. I saw the judge in the morning and bail was set, my father paid it and I said goodbye to the woman in my cell. I never did get her name. Waved goodbye to the naked crazy guy as I passed him and went out to enjoy my freedom. There are three things I learned in that jail. Three things I will never forget. One, pay what is due, don’t put it off especially when you don’t have to. Two, we are all the same, just in different packages. My life could have very easily gone another way, I’m just blessed it didn’t and last, you can always count on family. It took a lot to get me out but everyone pitched in not just my father. We are doing good now. It will be a long road to a good relationship put it’s going in the right direction. Don’t judge till you live it. Love always, Crystal

July 14, 2011 Posted by | Still life | , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

My mother called


It was pitch black with no moon or stars to light my way. I was sitting in my father’s house on the couch. I knew I shouldn’t be there, I knew something wasnt right. I couldn’t make myself get up to look around for anyone else. I wouldn’t allow myself to call out for anyone from fear of who might call back. I saw a flash of light from outside, I saw my father.  What was he doing? Why was he digging a hole under one of the old plum trees that line the middle of the yard? The medal of the shovel is what got my attention it was so shiny, it must be new. I watched him dig the hole curious to see what would come of it. After about five minutes he dropped the shovel and walked a couple of steps and picked up two small bodies and threw them in the grave. I woke up, what the fuck!!! These nightmares are getting worse, I don’t think my body is able to tell the difference anymore between real life and dreams. My body ached the whole day from the fear I felt. I didn’t go to work that day , I didn’t do anything that day. I have to talk to my mom sort thru my past get things strait so I can go on with my life. I was headed to the room to get my phone when I heard it ring. My mom, how did I know. She said my father wants to talk to my brother, sister and I. He wanted to apologize for everything and have something to do with us again. I told her I was willing to sit down and talk things out. I don’t think my brother will be as willing as I am but we shall see. We are going to get together this sunday at his house. I’m just going to make sure we are out of there before night fall. I wonder if dreams still mean anything or are they just thoughts and interpretations of past events. I wonder if my dream was a warning?

June 28, 2011 Posted by | Still life | , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Go jump off a cliff oh and happy fathers day.


Beat me down, one more time. With every blow, every word I find excitement and life.  With pain comes a welcome entity that envelopes
me. Looking out a window into your soul in otherwise empty eyes. Nothing stops the hurt or the pain but still I’m to week not to cry. I sit alone wondering trying to understand what would make you not be the miserable shell of a man you are. I always held my head down trying to get lost in the crowd.  With diamonds in my eyes I wanted to know what I done wrong.  I still do. My heart stopped beating the night I realized I meant nothing to you. Shallow breathes were all I could manage my lungs refused to take in air. I felt like such a fool vying for your love and you just didn’t  give a damn about us. I sat alone. I was constantly thinking and walking on egg shells trying not to awaken the beast inside you.

All I needed was a father. You have ruined me, turned me into ruins of a once great city. Even when I’m happy your misery stalks me it
creeps into my thoughts and dreams.  I start to be great and just the mere thought of you brings everything crumbling down. Everything reminds me. Did you know I don’t have a single good memory of you? But then again I have blocked out most of them just to cope with life.  What am I going to do I have lost my way? You touch my world every day. I feel I’m losing control. I live broken trying to forget you and all your sorrow. What do I have to do to move on? I’m not yours anymore and I do not love you.

Sometimes I want to take a better look at the man who use to stand before me. I still think I have a chance. A chance for you to love me
a chance to be a family. Then I wake up and remember who you really are. You have to let me go. My memories do not allow me to forget. Where are you? Everything reminds me.

June 20, 2011 Posted by | Still life | | Leave a comment

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours


Crazy? What a word! I can’t even remember all the times I have been called crazy in my life. I see myself as the cute, crazy, quirky kind of nuts. I guess it helps me cope with my craziness!! What kind of crazy are you? I stumbled across a website that helps you define your kind of crazy. http://psychcentral.com/   This isn’t one of those kid ones that you post on Facebook. I think it’s pretty accurate, but hey what do I know, I’m loony!   I might as well share what the quizzes say about me.  I’m a narcissist…. What?? No way!!!  I have said it before and I will say it again, I have two e-mails, twitter, blog, MySpace, Facebook and others I just can’t think of right now. I have all these accounts to simply tell people “I’m so bored” or “today’s laundry day…ugggh” These are my two latest posts. So, the narcissist thing is a no brainer.  (At the end of this post I have the true story of Narcissus; it’s very interesting just off the point).  I have no other disorder that truly stands out. I’m a little borderline but not very bad and I have a little anxiety disorder but that’s not all that fun to talk about. So, enjoy the quizzes and I hope it leads you to better mental health or at least a laugh. 😉   *** By the way, I think America uses the word narcissist way too much!!!***

Story of Narcissus

Once upon a time, there was a boy called Narcissus. He was the son of a god and he was very, very handsome. Many women fell in love with him, but he turned them away. One of the women who loved Narcissus was a nymph called Echo. Echo could not speak properly – she could only repeat what was said to her, so she couldn’t tell Narcissus that she loved him. One day, when Narcissus was walking in the woods with some friends, he became separated from them. He called out “Is anyone here?” Echo replied “Here, Here”. Echo stepped forward with open arms, wanting to cuddle him. But Narcissus refused to accept Echo’s love. Echo was so upset that she left and hid in a cave, until nothing was left of her, except her voice. The Maiden, a goddess, found out about this, and she was very angry. She made Narcissus fall in love with himself. When Narcissus looked
at his reflection in a pond one day, he looked at his reflection and said I love and Echo replied I love you but Narcissus honestly thought his reflection said I love you. He stayed on that spot forever, until he died.

Story of Echo

Hera, the Queen of Mt. Olympus, cast a spell over her servant Echo for talking too much. As a punishment, Echo could only repeat what someone else said. Once Narcissus was dead she pinned for him aimlessly wandering around looking for her love. All that was left of her was her voice that can still be heard today in certain hollow places, senselessly repeating the words of others.

 

June 9, 2011 Posted by | Still life, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh why can’t I?


I’m 30 years old and have finally decided to finish my last year of school. It’s about time, right? There is only one problem; I no longer want to teach in education. To be a teacher is something, well, really the only thing I have ever wanted to do since I was 8 yrs. old. For some reason the thought of having all of those little kid’s future in my hand was starting to make me so nervous.So, I sat down and thought of what I really wanted to do for the rest of my life; since teaching wasn’t going to be my forte anymore. I could be a child psychologist, I love psychology and I really do want to work with children. I could be a social worker. Even, a writer I have always loved to write and I’m narcissistic 😉 enough to pull off a blog so why not. But I started shooting these ideas down as soon as they came into my head. “Psychology is too hard, who in their right mind would ask for your help” A social worker? Seriously? You couldn’t last. “You’re a mess up that’s scared to finish anything in life and you want to write for a living”?
Then something hit me, why am I so negative when it comes to me? I tell my sister, friends, kids I teach in Sunday school, kids in my daycare anyone in my life that they can be anything they want to be. If They can be anything they want to be, then why can’t I?
When I was a child I wanted to be a country music singer. I wanted to tour the world in cowboy boots and have everyone fall in love with me. It’s the first dream I actually remember having. I was sitting in the living room watching star search (yes, star search…Goggle it) Anyways, this guy came on and he was singing one of my favorite Garth Brooks songs and I started singing quietly with him then I announced to my family in the room that I wanted to be a country singer. “A singer” my dad said with a disgusted look? “What makes you think you’re good enough to be a singer”? Then he made me stand in up in the middle of the room and sing. He critiqued every note and how I looked. Telling me that I didn’t have the voice or the looks that anyone wanted to pay to see. He downed me on everything I ever wanted to do or everything I ever tried to do. He made me feel stupid and it hindered me from doing everything I ever really wanted to do in life. As you can tell in my other blog’s I’m big on not blaming other people for your short comings. That applies for this story also; I gave him the power to tear me down. Only you can allow yourself to become fragile and insecure.
My point of this story is a simple one. Cherish the ones in your life; especially if they are children. I don’t care if your child looks like the hunch back of Notre Dame, if they want to be a super model it’s your job to get Tyra Banks on the phone. That’s the point, it’s a dream it molds who they will become. No man should ever take that away from someone. Never abuse your power.

June 3, 2011 Posted by | Still life, Uncategorized | | 3 Comments

   

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